What was your relationship with your father like? I’ll bet it wasn’t
perfect. That’s because your father was human and wasn’t perfect, but
there is a deeper reason.
It has to do with the way you’re wired.
You were designed to need the perfect–I mean absolutely
perfect–unconditional and complete love of a Father. In other words, you
have within you a need for a Father that no father can ever fulfill.
This
is why so many people grow up and rebel against their fathers or blame
their fathers or hate their fathers. They perceive that their father has
failed them. What made me come to this conclusion was speaking to a
number of people over the years in counselling who blamed their father
for their problems. Then when I looked at the facts objectively I
realized that the fathers they were complaining about were actually
pretty good guys.
I’ve had situations where the father was a good
Christian man who provided for his wife and family, never cheated on his
spouse, loved his kids and spent time with them, but he they still
blamed him for being a lousy Dad. Of course he wasn’t perfect, but my
point is that they had this inner, subconscious need for him to be more
than he ever could be.
I realize that there are also some truly
horrendous husbands and fathers, but I’ve learned to take all those who
complain about them with a pinch of salt. There’s always another side to
the story, and one’s perceptions are never complete. We don’t know the
whole story.
What I’m getting at is this: I believe we all–to a
greater or lesser extent– carry within us something I call the Father
Wound. This is the wound we received from not having a perfect father.
The wound may be deep and lasting–disabling and poisoning every part of
our personality, sexuality and relationships–or it may be less profound,
but present nonetheless.
How does this wound show itself? It is
revealed in a multitude of ways: the person may find it impossible to
trust anyone in authority. All”father figures” may be perceived as the
enemy. An ordinarily mature and capable person may–when faced with a
“father relationship” at work or in sports or at church or most anywhere
the person may rebel, undermine the “father” or reject him. They may
give that person the silent treatment or walk out on him. In other
words, they will exhibit immature behaviors–reacting like a child or an
adolescent responds to the negative father figure.
The Father
wound may show itself in distorted sexualities. The genesis of some
homosexual conditions are rooted in the search for the loving father.
Some immature heterosexual conditions present as the little girl looking
for “Daddy”. The wound may show itself in a person’s inability to
accept himself or herself, in poor self esteem, immature rage and
aggression towards others….the Father Wound can be at the root of a
whole range of other difficulties.
How beautiful then, that Our
Lord gives us just the one prayer which covers all prayers, and it is
the “Our Father”. This prayer, when prayed in a deep and meditative
manner can heal the Father Wound and all it’s nasty symptoms.
Furthermore, all our prayers–indeed the whole Christian life of worship
and devotion is patriarchal. It is based in the need for reconciliation
with the Father. This is also why the parable of the prodigal son is so
powerful–because through this story we see the elemental need for the
return to the Father.
The Father Wound is healed when there is
true repentance and return to the Father. We have to “come to our
selves” and return to the Father. Our prayer should be that we
experience a profound and life changing experience of the Father’s
total, unconditional love. That experience will re-build the foundation
level of our lives and from there true health and wholeness will begin
to flourish. (Fr. Longenecker:here)
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